Monday 24 August 2015

July [ in pictures ]

I thought that I had blogged about how July went until recently! Oops! July ended and right after was my birthday so I guess I got a little too into celebrating and chilling out that I forgot about it :X

July's a month that I mostly dread. July's a month that has memories which I hold dear to me. Memories that mean alot, and yet try to avoid because of the pain that it holds. They are memories that I sometimes want to look back on, and at times even when I'm not or try my hardest not to think about them..they just start flowing back into my mind.

It's been a few years now, and I've thought that the pain of loss has subsided but the truth is, while it slowly fades away, the pain doesn't go away. At times I feel more lost than ever. It hurts as much as when I felt this pain for the first time. Sometimes it hurts even more than the first time I felt it. I try to numb that pain but with all the numerous times I've tried, I've already fully acknowledged that nothing can make the bitterness and emptiness better. Every solution is just temporary. It's a kind of loss and pain that one has to face, one that no one else will understand.

I spent alot of the month thinking about the passing of my late father. Thinking about how the last few years have been. Thinking about the months where he struggled with his pain. Thinking about our father-daughter relationship and I just couldn't help but be consumed with emotions. Adding to that, I faced some other personal problems. It didn't help that there were more issues than one happening at the same time and in a way I just grew very jaded and tired.

Thankfully, there were moments here and there which cheered me up like spending precious time with Kaitlin and being in the company of friends. That has really helped to remind me to cherish what I have, to hold what's important to me close to my heart and not to forget my priorities in life. It sounds so cliche to try and live life without regrets but I guess my late dad's passing really did have an effect on me that not every moment or opportunity happens again. I've come to realised that perhaps there's no other way to move on but to independently help myself to try to let go of the past, to let go of things that are beyond my control and that are impossible to change. Especially the ones which I've tried my best at and the ones that I simply cannot change cos it's not like I've never tired, I did try my very best and it's caused me hurt when it should have been the complete opposite.

July did seem like a month with lots of negative emotions..there were definitely better days which really helped to keep me sane and prevent my negative emotions from affecting the way I looked after Kaitlin.July has passed, I do still feel down..but down or not life still goes on.

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